You don’t want to go before reading this… trust me.
Sex parties are real.
I know, I had a hard time wrapping my head around that, too. I thought that outside the provenance of films like Eyes Wide Shut, these things were mostly imaginary.
If they did exist, I was sure they were totally unsexy messes, an excuse for guys to get wasted and walk around leering at naked women enjoying themselves together.
That’s definitely a part of some sex parties, but the real ones — the good ones — are about so much more.
A sex party is a great opportunity for sexually active and sexually curious adults to explore their kinks in a safe, fun, group environment.
Do you fantasize about group sex? Do you dream of being watched while you masturbate? These are relatively common fantasies you can totally explore at a sex party.
I know of what I speak, because I once wound up at a sex party completely accidentally.
This was before I was even sexually active (rest easy, I was not a child, I’m just a late bloomer), and when I was invited by a stage actor I admired to come hang out with him and some friends at a loft downtown I leapt at the opportunity.
That night I got ready for what I was sure would be the start of my awesome, New York life as a hip single chick. I put on earrings. I wore a skirt that showed just the right amount of underbutt. Then I walked into an apartment that was mid-orgy and did not have a CLUE what to do.
I wish I could tell you that I quietly left before I could be seen, but because I am a dork I just side-stepped over some bodies to the fridge where I got a beer. I nursed said beer in a corner and watched which was titilating in its own way, but mainly all I took away from the experience was that if you are going to have an orgy, make sure you have lots and lots of towels.
Learn from my mistakes.
But before you head out the door in your formal sex cloak eager to pop your sex party cherry, there are a few things you need to know. Rest easy, I’m here to help.
1. Do your homework prior to the sex party.
So you’re excited to jump right on into a sex party. That’s great! I’m happy for you. Welcome. But let’s make sure you’re doing it the right way. Do your homework on the party before attending.
Parties tend to have rules, and you should know them so you can follow them. If you’ve got a particular kink, make sure it’s welcomed at this event. If the host is someone you don’t know ask your friends or others in the community about the events they’ve held in the past. Knowledge is power.
2. Bring a friend to make exploring your sex party fantasies more comfortable.
Sex parties are, by their very nature, illicit or risqué. That’s part of what makes them hot, and a little bit of nervous energy is a good thing.
But if this is your first sex party and you’re not sure if the scene is for you, bring a friend. Going in a group will immediately make you feel safer and more comfortable to explore all your dirty little fantasies. Plus, with a friend you’ve got someone looking out for you and vice versa.
3. Friends don’t let friends go to a sex party without being prepared
Most sex parties have their own themes. If you want to fully participate, feel free to bring your own sex toys and props. No one will look down their nose at you for trying to kick your experience up a notch.
4. Safety is the key to having a good time at a sex party
Safety is king. Safety is king. One more time: Safety is king. If you’re going to a party alone, make sure someone who isn’t at the party knows where you are. Have an exit strategy you use if you decide you can’t be at the party anymore. Trust your gut, if someone sends off alarm bells, don’t be alone with them.
If someone behaves inappropriately, report them to the party host. Having a safe, comfortable environment is central to making these parties work.
5. Don’t go to a sex party without the essentials to keep you safe.
There’s another kind of safety you need to practice at sex parties and I call this “be smart safety.” Bring condoms, bring lube, have a safe word, know your boundaries. You’ve made the courageous step of acknowledging that your body wants to explore. Now you need to be an advocate for your body, too.
6. Circle the room once you arrive at the sex party.
When you get to a sex party, it is important to get the lay of the land first. There will be a lot going on, don’t let it overwhelm you. Make your greetings to those folks you know, and take your time. Circle the room. Grab a drink, see what’s happening, what you might want to take part in, what you want to avoid, what you want to watch. This is also a great opportunity to get a sense of the party’s vibe as a whole.
7. Find your own safe spot and let people approach you.
Once you’ve made your circle, pick your perch. It’s tempting to keep walking around aimlessly trying to get in on the action, but once you’re comfortable sit your butt down.
Let people approach you, Treat it like any other party. No one wants to chill with the uptight lurker. Perching makes it clear that you’re available and eager.
9. Consent is incredibly important at sex parties (and everywhere else).
Some people have the misconception that when you’re at a sex party anything goes. In some respects that’s true. Sex parties are an opportunity to explore your sexuality in a group setting that our society doesn’t usually allow. It’s taboo, it’s exhilarating, and it’s fun!
All of that said, consent is still fundamental. No one would or should do anything to you without your permission. The same goes for how you approach anyone else. Consent, consent, consent.